...in gratitude and praise

I can't leave things like that. I need to make one final post on this blog before I take a much-needed indefinite rest from writing and thinking. Yesterday's post was written in the midst of a small and uncomfortable awakening, an awakening that has taken three years to come about, and for which I am incredibly grateful.

It's hard to describe. Just before writing yesterday's post I was with my friend and his child. In front of the Buddha image in a particularly beautiful temple she sat down next to me and I showed her how to bow and she asked me lots of great questions and then we went over to a monk and got a blessing for us all.

Then we played in the temple courtyard, looking at things and running around and having fun and we found a tap to wash her feet and it was all just so wonderful. And I'm good at this. I'm good at being a dad. And it breaks my heart. And then we had lunch and my friend told me what he'd seen, what I needed to hear.

Like I said I would, I went home and handled the anguish in the best way I know how. I took out my meditation block, chanted a little, and sat. There were no fireworks, no mystical experiences, just an ordinary sit. There was no single moment yesterday when the breakthrough happened, and yet everything has changed.

I asked Colin why it has taken so long. Why did I leave England when my wife took my son? Why did I return two years later but only manage to stay two weeks? Why has it taken so long to finally be pierced by all this pain, to allow it to show me the direction I must go in? Why does our learning happen so slowly?

"Because," he said "that's what it took. And in those years you've developed your spiritual life, practiced hard, met Ikumi, and, throughout it all, you've done the very best you can, especially for your step-son. You have nothing to regret. Only now, with a new spirit behind it, new plans to make, new things to do."

Three years of confusion and anguish and not knowing what to do have fallen away. The breakthrough is seeing what I need to do next and, the real beauty of it, in not having any fear of doing it. I don't know how long this clarity will last, but it's here now. And even the impatience that has joined it is not a huge problem.

So I start 2010 with two resolutions. The first, from the deepest part of me, is to go back to England, as soon as I realistically can, and see my son. Be a dad for my son. The second is to practice hard, to rest in an awareness that I am always embraced by the Buddha, and to keep letting go of everything to that.

The picture I posted yesterday by my friend Joseph tells me everything about the wonders of this practice, about living in the Buddha's house even whilst in the everyday world. About being on the path whilst embraced by the destination, about being in the Buddha's arms, and having the Buddha in our heart.

Thank you again Joseph. And thank you everyone who left comments yesterday and over the past few weeks as I approached this point. And thank you Chong Go Sunim, my wise and patient teacher, Colin, my good friend, and Ikumi, whose understanding, love, and presence in my life is simply miraculous.

Thank you for reading this blog. I'm taking a long break now. I feel I've said all I need to, and want to put everything down for a while. I have a direction in my life, a practice to support it, and know I am embraced by love. I have all I need for real happiness. With palms together, and wishing all readers peace and joy. Marcus.

All beings - one Buddha-nature,
Praise to Amida Buddha,
Praise to the Bodhisattva of Compassion!

Link:
Marcus' Journal: Welcome